Hannah Horvath as Maya from Zero Dark Thirty

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This is the best. How do you even think of this? Where does this idea come from? I want to go to there.

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NTSF:SD:SUV::

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This show is amazing! I kept hearing about it on Laughspin and Splitsider and I don’t know why it took me so long to watch it, especially since A) Kate Mulgrew is in it, aka Captain Janeway and B) it’s only 15 minutes long. Watch the show here!

The show is a parody of procedural dramas, CSI, Law and Order, the Mentalist, yada yada, which is a great premise. NTSF:SD:SUV:: (National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sports Utility Vehicle::) follows a highly trained team as they save San Diego, and the world, from destruction (or sometimes not).

The show first began as mock promos during Children’s Hospital (another great show) and then fans began demanding more. There have been two seasons so far and the third will air later this year on Adult Swim.

Paul Sheer is the star, Trent Hauser, and the show’s creator.

Maria Bamford

My mom bought my brother, who is a huge Chelsea Handler fan, this Comedy Central DVD of female comedians.  Maria Bamford was on it and I had heard of her from this article and also this one.

She also did a Reddit AMA. Excerpts:

Well, I live in California- where what I’m sharing really isn’t that personal? Real estate agents have short memoirs of their shaman healings in my neighborhood– so it doesn’t feel that brave. And my parents (and family) have always talked about EVERYTHING. I mean everything. So, they’re probably wondering, “Why doesn’t she open up more?” Mom, Dad, I’m just waiting til I feel like I know you better.

Just do it. Do what you think is funny. Do it again and again. Fail, try, try, fail, enjoy, triumph, again. That’s all there is. We’re all in the same boat- i’m just as scared as you are. I’ve always been sort of shy and passive aggressive (which I hope is changing) and stand-up has been comfortable for me. It’s a way to say what I want without being challenged- which of course would be different if I did a lot of shows in the UK – where heckling is an art form. Just do it. You are your biggest fan.

 

Tig Notaro on Fresh Air

Step 1: Read this post.

Step 2: Listen to this interview.

Step 3: Buy the set.

And that is how you maximize your Tig potential.

Tig Notaro announced this week that her double mastectomy was successful, doctors believe they removed all of the cancer and they told her she has only a 7% chance of recurrence. Obviously, this is amazing news! and I’m glad that she will be around to make people laugh/cry/think for many years to come. Also, when (not if) you buy her set, most of the proceeds go to breast cancer charities, so it counts as a good deed.

Here’s an excerpt from Tig Notaro’s Fresh Air interview:

GROSS: So what did it feel like the first time you got a laugh?

NOTARO: I wasn’t expecting it. It’s so interesting, I didn’t account for laughter, which seems odd, but I had been talking to myself for so long at my apartment. I was so focused on getting all of my material down and when I got on stage at the coffee shop and people laughed, I remember being taken aback. I was like, oh, oh that’s what I was telling you this for, was for the laughter, but I just didn’t even, didn’t even factor it in at all but it was so exhilarating.

GROSS: So a lot…

NOTARO: So much so that I the second night I did stand up I thought because the first night went so well I was like oh, this is so easy. So I went and I…

(LAUGHTER)

NOTARO: I competed in a standup competition and I got booed off the stage and walked offstage, really. I was like what am I doing?

GROSS: And how come you weren’t so discouraged that you never went back on stage again?

NOTARO: It’s that thing of comedy. It’s that roller coaster that just sucks you in. It’s kind of like gambling, I guess. You hit big one time and then you bottom out, and you’re like oh, I can hit big again, and so that just kind of keeps you going. Luckily, I’m not a gambler, or a drinker or, you know, I get my fix of comedy.

Also, Louis CK, who is releasing Tig’s set through his website, and who has been a guest on Fresh Air before, spoke with Terry Gross about why Tig’s set is, in his words, “masterful.”

Here’s an excerpt from Louis CK’s interview:

GROSS: From a comic’s perspective, what made the set so good?

C.K.: Well, you know, for comedians you see everything. We know all the tricks so it’s hard to impress a comedian with comedy. But some people have a sound that’s just theirs that’s patented. It’s kind of like horn players. There’s probably times that Charlie Parker would tell John Coltrane, you know, I saw this guy in Chicago you got to hear him. I mean, nobody’s doing what this guy is doing. Tig has this really beautiful sound on stage. She has this way of dropping her jokes that are – they’re wonderful deadly jokes. And they’re about small things usually, like bees and drapes, but they’re incredible.

So here she is applying it to something really big. It was an incredible example of what comedy is good at, which is taking people to the scary parts of their mind and making them laugh in those scary places. That’s a great gift. And some of us do it through calculation or through repetition and, kind of, like, you know, focusing on a bit and refining it. Tig just went up there with her voice and in front of us she processed her own death, her own imminent death, with humor, with comedy, which is this very pure oxygen-rich environment.

You know, she did something about looking at a picture of herself when she was five and saying to this cute little picture, you’re going to get cancer. And we’re all going, oh my god. And I never – for me, I kept – I was crying and laughing the whole time and hearing the audience lurching back and forth, exploding, then hushed – totally hushed – and then exploding again. It’s like I never saw anything like it, the way that she controlled it.

A note about that bold section above, that would have absolutely make me cry.  FO SHO.

UPDATE: Amazing! So many funny, touching moments. A lot of variety. This is one of the bravest things I’ve ever heard before; I can’t imagine being able to stand up in front of strangers and share such personal things.

Generic Job Post Seeks Unenthused Applicant

https://i1.wp.com/www.cityofboston.gov/Lyris/Images/jobs2-351bd0.jpg

I graduated last year. It sounds better to say it that way, as opposed to, “I graduated a year ago,” or “I graduated almost a year and a half ago” or “I’ve been unemployed for the past two months and the four months before that.” Yeaaahhhhh.

So, I apply for jobs. And paid internships. And unpaid internships that offer transportation stipends. And unpaid internships that don’t offer transportation stipends.

After reading so many job listings, I began to notice a pattern. There is basically one template of stock phrases that employers recycle into a nebulous description of human behavior.

Let’s crack the code!

“Looking for someone with 3-5 years’ experience… “

How did this become the standard line? If I add up my work experience, beginning as a babysitter at age thirteen, I have almost a decade of experience. Does that count?  What if I have two years and ten months of experience, but I promise to remember birthdays and bring in cupcakes?

“Interested in a fast-paced work environment…”

Most likely “fast-paced” is lie, a pathetic ploy to suggest that the work they do is exciting. It is not.

On the other hand, if true, “fast-paced” secretly means: “You will work late every day.  Your boss will be a Ritalin-addicted megalomaniac. Watch your back, your co-workers are already plotting your demise.”

A clock ticks loudly in the background. Two minutes ‘til the staff meeting and your memo is stuck in the hot plastic depths of this ancient printer! You plunge youry hands into the dark teeth of the machine, desperately tugging at the crumpled folds of paper. Your sleeve catches! The lights on the dashboard of the beast flicker and smoke pours of its orifices! You scream, but no can hear you through the thick walls of the conference room.  As you struggle, you swear you can hear the loud “click click click” of Deborah from Accounting’s whore-high heels.

“With a strong interest in our company’s work…”

What “work” is that exactly? Your website is chockfull of jargon about “client-based consultation” and “seamless transition management.” Writing a cover letter will take three hours of aimless research about “project management for network allies.” Even with this research, the paragraph that I cobble together sounds so vague that my bullshit is audible.

“A team player…”

Group work sucks.

We will either get along and half-ass the project while bar hopping OR we will hate each other and begrudgingly complete our work while complaining on Twitter that “My coworkers are lazy idiots #whydoihavetodoeverythingmyself.”

“Familiar with X, Y, and Z software….”

Nada. I could take a class, but what if I get a job after it starts? An imaginary future problem is a reasonable excuse to not take a class and continue being ignorant.

I could teach myself, but that seems like a lot of work. Note to self: Do not describe self as “self-starter” or “highly motivated.”

“Self-motivated…”

Shoot.

Translation: You will be working alone in a dusty cubicle by an abandoned elevator shaft. Rumor has it that someone died there. You will not get invited to birthday lunches. All of the fun projects will go to the summer intern. The one time that someone gets lost and wanders by, you will be flailing like an idiot, trying to turn the motion-activated lights back on.

“Ability to multi-task…”

Of course I can multitask! While I’m tailoring my resume to this position, I’m also watching an episode of Hoarders, shopping for cankle-sliming shoes, and checking my facebook like an overconfident middle-schooler scouring the cast list of Footloose Jr for their name.

“Please list your salary requirements…”

You already know what you want to pay someone! Why are you doing this to meeeeee?

I have researched comparable pay-rates and would accept a starting salary between $30,000 and $35,000.

I will accept anything between minimum wage and $1,000,000,000.

Will work for expired granola bars.

“Due to overwhelming response, only qualified candidates will be contacted. No phone calls.”

What an uplifting finale! I will proceed to check my email five thousand times a day for the following two weeks.  No emails will arrive and the hope that has been allowed to grow in those two weeks will be squashed like underwear at the bottom of a suitcase.

Voila!

All of the things employers say and what they actually mean.

Obviously, since I don’t have a job, I can’t end this post with job hunting advice, but…good luck out there…unless you’re applying for the same jobs as me…oh, you have a job?…where?…are they hiring?